a day in the life of mr bulgaria
by dont-ask-who-joe-is
Summary: if swear words turned into money, bulgaria would be the richest in the eu... no, the richest in the world. (rated M for profanity)


it was truly a beautiful day outside. birds were singing, flowers were blooming… on days like these bulgaria was working his ass out because he had to stop being the poorest in the eu. the guy was making progress, you see, and he had cried only twice today. first time it was when germany called him to tell him that he was still doing bad and that he needed to work harder. the second time was when bulgaria realized that there were people in the world who lived and died without having ever tasted bulgarian yogurt, the best food ever (if you haven't ever eaten bulgarian yogurt, GET OUT AND COME BACK ONCE YOU'VE TRIED IT).

anyways he was in his office when the door got kicked open to reveal his boss who then yelled on top of his lungs 'HOLY SHIT BULGARIA YOU LEAD THE PUMPKIN PRODUCTION IN THE EU'

'well at least i'm finally first in something that isn't poorness or corruption level or anything nasty… wait though wasn't that two or three years ago sir?' asked bulgaria politely, curiosity and hope lightening up his forest green eyes, green just like the beautiful bulgarian forests that were full of sticks that were waiting to be picked up and broken into someone's skull.

'lmao yes ur a smart boi i told you that to make you feel better and to check how good ur memory is anyways ur still the first in the eu when it comes to rose oil and also ur the first in the world in lavender oil production i think lol' the prime minister replied. 'now work hard or no yogurt for u, u lil lazy piece of bad human material'

with these words, bulgaria's boss grabbed the cup of yogurt with a spoon in it that was standing at bulgaria's desk and prepared to walk away with the yogurt, only to be stopped by the nation who tore the yogurt out of his hands.

bulgaria fucking snapped.

'WTF R U DOING U LITTLE DIPSHIT PRIME MINISTER WITH A DIRTY ASSHOLE I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I GRADUATED ON TOP OF MY YOGURT-MAKING CLASS BUT OF COURSE U WOULDN'T KNOW THAT U STUPID CORRUPT ILLITERATE PUMPKIN YES OF COURSE I'D BE FIRST IN PUMPKIN PRODUCTION WHEN MY BOSS IS A STUPID JERKASS PUMPKIN IT'S NOT SUPRISING AT ALL EVEN MY PEOPLE CALL YOU A PUMPKIN EVEN THEY KNOW YOUR TRUE NATURE'

the shockwave that got generated by bulgaria's screaming and cussing hit bulgaria's boss hard, sending him to his knees and destroying his human disguise. the bulgarian prime minister really was a big orange pumpkin with arms, legs and a mouth.

'I'M SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ALL THAT'S IT I'M CREATING A PROTEST TO MAKE YOU AND ALL THE OTHERS STUPID POLITICIANS RESIGN Y'ALL CAN EAT MY YOGURT LOSERS BYEEEE SEE YOU NEVER'

with these words, bulgaria left the office with the cup of yogurt in his left hand (he was flipping his boss off with his right one) and headed for the exit of the big governmental building, ready to change his destiny. he was going to spearhead the protests that were about to begin, then his people would get rid of the all the corrupt and incompetent politicians and he could finally experience big economic growth and a demographic surge, his people would stop hating him and leaving the country, the politicians would stop embarrassing themselves and him with the stupid things they said in front of the media and all of that cool stuff.

how he knew that people would start protesting, you might ask? well he's a nation he can feel these things, after all, why do you think he had just snapped? cause his people had had enough. it's not like nations have emotions and free will outside of how their people feel and act, lol. (this is probably why he has self-depreciating humor, it's because his people say that their country sucks lmao)

bulgaria was looking for people so that he could organize a protest when he heard a familiar voice.

'AYYYY WHAT IS MY ÇEKİCİ NEIGHBOOR DOING TODAY' asked, or, to be more precise, yelled turkey who had just appeared magically out of nowhere, while patting rather aggressively bulgaria's back, almost making the green-eyed man drop his yogurt.

'WTF R U DOING U CRAZY JERKASS BASTARD YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME SNEAKING ON ME LIKE THAT I ALMOST DROPPED MY YOGURT ALSO DID YOU JUST CALL ME A WANKER IN MY LANGUAGE WTF MAN THAT'S IT I'M NOT SUPPORTING UR EU ENTRY ANYMORE FUCK YOU DO YOU THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN THE 500 YEARS OF HAVING TO STAND UR BULLSHIT THAT'S IT I'M SO DONE WITH YOU'

bulgaria was literally shaking and crying rn 'cause he was scared you know first it was turkey who frightened him by jumping out of the nothingness and greeting him in his loud voice while slapping his back, then there were the memories of turkey, back then the ottoman empire, beating him up whenever bulgaria tried to fight him so he could be an independent country again :(

'dude wtf are u ok-'

'OOH ARE WE BULLYING BULGARIA MORE LIKE NULLGARIA NONONO WAIT BULGAYRIA THAT'S BETTER LMAO UR YOGURT SUCKS LOSER' serbia also popped up from nowhere. (i cannot blame u for forgetting this character's existence, after all, he's appeared in only one gakuen hetalia strip where bulgaria had defeated him)

'YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS? UR MOM!' bulgaria replied, to which turkey said 'oooh roasted lmao', then bulgaria grabbed a stick that was lying on the ground and started chasing serbia, who ran away like some pussy. then romania appeared.

'hey don't bully my magical yogurt friend it's not nice also if i tell russia that ur bullying his s̶e̶x̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶ friend he'll be fuckin pissed and u will be in big trouble'

'FUCK THAT SICK BASTARD I DON'T WANT TO-' bulgaria started to cuss again but then there was a flash of light in front of the three nations and, in the next second, sans undertale was standing in before them.

'bulgaria more like vulgaria lol' he said in his typical soundbite and then disappeared. nobody knows why he really was there, probably to say a stupid pun or for some fanservice. then cirno from touhou appeared- nah she didn't i'm just messin with ya i mean cmon we already have the yogurt fairy who is the most powerful nation because he has the power of 30000, we don't need the strongest fairy. 30000 is greater than ⑨ do your math. actually bulgaria's boss came, disguised as a human again.

'bulgaria, i just talked to the president, apparently you're cussing so much that we have to change ur name to vulgaria or else a disastrous time-space anomaly that's generated by too much swearing concentrated at one place will occur and the entire world will die' said the pumpkin prime minister and he was right you know, in this story bulgaria cusses more than romano and belarus combined.

'FUCK THE WORLD'

'ok, from now on, you're vulgaria' and bulg- i mean vulgaria's boss left after saying that.

vulgaria dropped the yogurt and fell on his knees while crying 'NOOOOOOO' dramatically. what a loser lmao. turkey and romania just stood there watching helplessly when they realized that they couldn't address him by his former name. whenever they thought of saying his name, the name 'vulgaria' flashed through their minds, ready to slip out of their mouths.

'FUCK IT NO NONONO I'VE NEVER CHANGED MY NAME EVER SINCE I WAS FOUNDED DAMMIT WHYYY WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME NOOOOOO'

romania tried to comfort his friend.

'it's okay vulga- i mean vulgar- wtf why can't i say ur name dude'

'FUCK YOU AND MY NEW NAME DAMN IT FUCK FUCK SHIT'

'tbh your new name kinda suits you lmao' tuned in turkey.

'FUCK YOU TOO YOU NASTY JERK ASSHOLE'

the two standing men sat on the ground besides the newly-renamed nation like some hobos. you know, romania could've squatted like a true eastern european but nooo he just had to sit on the ground and hug his crybaby pal.

'maybe if you stop cussing, they'll change it back' hypothesized the strawberry blond while petting his friend's back in circles.

'for start, you could start replacing swears with words that sound similarly but aren't vulgar, like replacing motherfucker with mothertrucker, you get it' offered help the masked man. 'here you dropped ur yogurt take it'

vulgaria, now calmer, took the plastic cup with yogurt in it.

'it's all… m-my stupid fat fag boss's fault' he sobbed and started eating what was left of the yogurt (some of it had spilled on the ground after it had got dropped). 'the entire fanfiction went downhill after he appeared… it's not like he's gonna change my name back even if i stop saying swear words cuz he's a big mean jerk'

'well you could still try' said the romanian, trying to reassure his bff.

for a split second, everything seemed normal, but then lightning struck and papyrus from undert- nah nah i'm joking papyrus didn't appear, neither did asriel dreemurr, iku nagae or raiko horikawa. but someone did show up. the person looked like a clone of vulgaria but he wearing a turban and some cool expensive medieval robe.

'lmaooo now i'm the only bulgaria in this world' he said.

'DUDE WHO TF ARE U?!' exclaimed the turk with an infliction of curiosity and fear in his vocal chords.

'i'm bulgaria lol' answered the guy who had just arrived.

'he's my brother who went to live on the volga river 1300 years ago' explained the situation vulgaria. 'bro wtf i thought the golden horde had killed u'

'DON'T WORRY GUYS I'MA EXORCISE THE GHOST' declared romania with a confident voice, for he had occult knowledge.

'well yea whatever' said volga bulgaria and left. he wasn't a canon character anyways.

now, it was just the three nations sitting on the ground. get up you idiots it's dirty and you might catch a cold.

'hey guys how did you know where to find me? y'all just popped out of nowhere right next to me' asked vulgaria with an ordinary tone as if his long-lost twin brother hadn't just turned up from nowhere and vanished into thin air in front of them. whatever the topic just had to be changed.

'well i was eating some vulgarian yogurt and then i got teleported here' explained the red-eyed guy casually.

'yea same here…' added the dark-eyed nation.

'it must be your yogurt fairy magic'

'hmm now i wonder… what will happen when i eat the yogurt? if everyone who eats it teleports next to me… where am i gonna get teleported? i can't end up next to myself, right?' pondered the yogurt-loving man.

'dude you've already eaten half of it'

'yea right whatever'

then, a *fwooooosh* noise was heard. vulgaria assumed that he was gonna get teleported out of this world and turn into some nothingness so he said 'goodbye cruel world' but that didn't happen. in fact, a gap with a red bow at each of its two ends and eyes inside of it appeared near the three nations. latvia and some golden-haired woman wearing a bonnet, a white dress and an orange-purple tabard came out of the portal.

'sup nibbas i'm yukari yakumo' she presented herself in a politically correct manner.

'i like trains' the short boy said and then, another gap, this time a huge one, appeared. a train jumped out of it and ran over the three men but there was no blood or guts or cut-off limbs or any shit like that because yukari adheres to spell card rules. so they were kinda ok but still it hurt

'reimu said that my train spell card was way too op even though people can just fly over the train or stand behind me lmao so i took this smol boi here and i changed the spell card so a train only comes out when he says "i like trains" i mean he has a talent when it comes to building railways lol. tnx for letting me test my new spell card on u random nations' she said for no reason, possibly to show her intentions to the audience.

'WTF YA CAN'T JUST THROW TRAINS AT PEOPLE LIKE THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH U QUICK BULGARIA TURN INTO THE YOGURT FAIRY AND KICK THAT CRAZY GAP HAG'S ASS CMON ROMANIA GO GET THE BOOZE LOOK GREECE IS SLEEPING OVER THERE SERBIA IS STILL SOMEWHERE AROUND YOU KNOW THERE ARE MORE THAN 3 PEOPLE ITS PAST FIVE PM CMON U CAN DO IT' turkey began to scream but latvia and yukari couldn't care less. then the hot-blooded nation tried to kick yukari's ass but failed bc when he reached towards her, a gap opened in front of his hand and another one opened in front of his face so he ended up punching himself.

'lmao what an idiot' the border youkai said.

'miss yukari, now that I helped you with your spellcard, can we go trample mr russia with a train?'

'yea we can ur lucky that you asked before i started feeling lazy lol'

and then they disappeared in another gap.

'WTF WAS THAT OH AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING THE TRAIN DIDN'T EVEN HURT US LIKE ANY NORMAL TRAIN WOULD DO DOES THIS WEIRDO THINK THAT WE'RE WIMPS? WE'RE NATIONS WE CAN TAKE A REAL TRAIN TO THE FACE WHAT A DUMBASS BITCH' turkey kept screaming while vulgaria and romania just stood there unfazed. they kinda wished that this time another train that would do some real damage would get gapped and run over the furious nation who kinda ruptured their eardrums.

but then, the ground shook and the heavens glowed. turkey had to shut up.

'WTF IS GOING ON HERE?'

it was the voice of hidekaz himaruya, the creator of hetalia and the almighty god of all hetalian universes and dimensions. whatever he said, drew or wrote, became real in the world of hetalia. romania and vulgaria couldn't really hear him bc their eardrums were ruptured.

'WELL VULGARIA GOT HIS NAME CHANGED BECAUSE HE SWEARS LIKE 30000000 SAILORS COMBINED, SOME TALKING SKELETON APPEARED JUST TO SAY A PUN AND THEN SOME CRAZY GAP LADY RUN US OVER WITH A TRAI-' the man with the mask (which hadn't fallen off despite the train crash) began to explain but got cut off.

'SILENCE!' commanded the creator of their world. then he called ZUN and toby fox and told them to pick up their characters. afterwards, mr himaruya snapped his mighty divine fingers and the world of hetalia returned to the state in which it was prior to the begin of this story. which means that bulgaria was no longer called vulgaria nor did he cuss as if he were the swear word fairy instead of the yogurt fairy, bulgaria and romania no longer had ruptured eardrums, turkey was calmer, there were no trainwrecks all over bulgaria's place and nobody was hurt because of that train crash anymore. latvia couldn't get russia run over by a train bc yukari disappeared just when they were about to do their combined attack but he didn't remember meeting yukari nor desiring to harm russia with a train anyways. nobody remembered being teleported by bulgaria's magical yogurt nor meeting his twin or that one skeleton. nobody acted ooc anymore. in other words, you just wasted your time reading this entire fanfiction. go do something productive now you weirdo.


End file.
